its been a hoprrible 48 hours. im exhausted. friday i woke up with a nild migraine, that steadily got worse, esp after i decided to work out at the gym (stupid on my part) we'll i got home some how fed the kids, put on a dvd and laid out on the couch with 3 ice packs and a pillow on my head. shawn came home at some point- maybe 6:30-ish saying that a fair weather freind called asking of we all wanted to go to dinner. i meanwhile i was trying not to barf out of pure pain. i hear him tell this freind " oh catherine's head kinda hurts" ( i think he just didnt want to take the kids by hinself though granted it was late for us to take them out anywhere)
so at this point i get my meds (that were in shawn's suitcase) and head up to bed.

at some point shawn put audrey in the bed with me. she & i wake up around 7am. my head hurts some but im in a MISERABLE mood, and no one else seems to care. shawn says we have to go drop off the passat to get the state inspection done, so we & get breakfast out. at thispoint my heads but im not In PAIN. then they all go to the gym , i stay home and just kinda lay low enjoying the quiet. then they come home, have lunch its nap time, then shawn annouced we have to go to the mall so he can pick up his new cell phone. it was never reallya question if we should all go, and i did want a skirt from the gap. so he goes cell phone shopping i get my skirt and wrangle the kids.
then i suggest we go to the grocery store & pick food for dinner & my migraine rx. well we do all that come bacm with way more then i planned- shawn's mom calls hinting we should come over- shawn reminds me we have to pick up the passat. i totally forgot and was all discombobulated. oh yeah on the phone again i hear shawn tell hims mom my heads hurts- she says i should pinch teh bridge of my nose-- for goodness sake its a migraine- does he not beleive me?

sooo at this point we can groceries in teh car and shawn realizes he doesnt have a coupon for the work on our car, i tell him to drop me off in front of our house i'll run teh groceries in and bring out teh coupon, well again he is on teh phone, forgets and goes in the back alley. as he stops the car he says " well i know you said go out front but..."
ugh so now ive had it, yakinbg kids, a husband whom seems to be listening, possible trip to the in-laws etc and well dont you know i open the back off the car and the entire box of 10 powerbars shawn got faalls out and scatters everywhere. i had it i threw stuff i believe i yelled out a curse word. i scratched my face and pulled my hair and stomped my feet.
shawn came around helped my pick up teh food and take it in, he asked if i was ok, and i said something about yes, but you dont listen to me, i mentioned teh driveway and the whole stupid damn story about teh stupid damn ring that i dont even want any more, *

* if you arent familar with the ring story. i asked for a rinf that was $285, he insisted even bullied me hat he was goibg to get me a $2k ring until i was practiaclly crying in the jewerly store-- we went thru a very simlar thing when i was 25, i wanted a pearl solitare like my moms and he well got he a whole strabnd of pearls.

------ so
we get this all cleaned up head out pick my passat- meanwhile his mom calls again telling us to come over b/c shawn's uncle was in the town and well i got in my passat drove home and typed up this novel .
im upset, im tired, i feel exhausted, i keep thinking about cutting my wrist again not to die, not really even to hurt myself but i think to get a break. but why do i still think this after almost 18 months on pills and a year on councilling. we dont have ins since shawn changed jobs, i think we get it after he works one week. i feel defective & broken for having these thoughts. i feel like such a bad person, the kid's voices are grating on my nerves, i feel like shawn is constantly touching me & whining that he doesnt get to see me, well that his damn fault i never wante dhim to work a job where he travelled now its his damn problem that things seem easier when he isnt home, its just one last person to wait for to get ready to go out, one less person to have to listen too. im just titred- im going to lay down